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Controlling & Rolling in Friendships, Dating & Other Relationships
 By Paul E. Hadinger
 

(Based upon "Controllers & Rollers: Do You Control Or Roll?")
ISBN 0-9655026-2-7 
Author: Paul E. Hadinger, M.P.A.

Friendships And Other Relationships

     First of all, you may not know if you are a "controller" (usually "have to" have your way and more) or a "roller" (usually give in and go along to get along and more). These definitions are over-simplified, but will do for a start. Moreover, most people are more controlling or rolling than they realize. That is why you should take stock of yourself first.

Secondly, this information is not just for those who are dating or plan to date: it is for all who have friends; want friends; want to get along with friends; or want to avoid being influenced or pressured to become a friend to anyone (or group to which they don’t want to belong). No one should need to give in all the time to someone or some group to have a "friend" or "friends" (who are not really "friends" if this is the case).

Thirdly (and you can probably skip this paragraph if you have been out of school for ten years or so), if you are pressured to join a gang or a "club" that operates like a gang, remember this: gangs are made of the immature and insecure. Members may appear to be physically mature, talk tough and act tough, but they are basically children at heart – too immature, insecure, self-centered and irresponsible to make good decisions and choices and to stand on their own with courage and character on the road to maturity as real men and real women.

Regardless of names, all gang members belong to the "Double I " gang: "Immature & Insecure." They are "nobodies" trying to be "somebodies" with a group because they can’t make it on their own. If they were really secure, they would not feel a need to join a gang for "security." Besides being immature and insecure, they lack good character and real courage.
 

Do You Really Know Yourself And Others?

If you believe that you know yourself fairly well and that you understand others and why and how they think, talk and act as they do, you may be surprised when you read "Controllers & Rollers: Do You Control Or Roll?" Wouldn’t you like to be able to know quickly if you are dealing with a "controller" or a "roller?"
 

Before You Make Any More Moves In Friendships Or Other Personal Relationships….

Before you make any more moves in friendships or other personal relationships, and before you are subjected to moves from anyone else, you need to know if you are dealing with a controller or a roller. You also need to know which one you are, unless you want to fly blindly and you don’t care who you land with, where or how.

You also need to know the self-deceptions, fears, strengths, weaknesses, characteristics and types of controllers and rollers. If you don’t, you can be deceived easily and misled as to the true nature of someone. Knowing how to identify controllers and rollers and how they operate is necessary for sound decision-making for determining friends, dating and possibly marriage sometime in the future.. All of these things are found in "Controllers & Rollers: Do You Control Or Roll?"
 

"Controllers & Rollers" Will Benefit You If….

• you are considering a friendship or other personal relationship
   

• you are in a friendship or other relationship
   

• you just got out of a friendship or other relationship
   

• you want to get out of a friendship or other relationship
   

• you don’t want to end up with an extreme controller or roller
   

• you have been misled, manipulated, played for a sucker, run over, walked on, beat up, burned or taken advantage of otherwise
   

• you have been deceived as to the true nature of someone
   

• you want to know why someone thinks, talks and acts in certain ways
   

• you are having problems with siblings, parents, other relatives or an employer
   

• you have friendship or other relationship problems at home, work, school, church or elsewhere
   

• you feel uncertain about yourself in friendships or other relationships
   

• you want to know the characteristics and tactics of controllers and rollers and how to deal with them
   

• you are considering becoming engaged or married
   

• you want to get a better idea of where you stand in terms of controlling or rolling
   

• you have been afraid to "be yourself"
   

• you have friends (or enemies) who try to control you through manipulation or other means
   

• you have been bullied by one or more people
   

• You will also find other benefits that apply at home, school and other places. Know what to look for, how to identify it and how to deal with it. This is critical for success in friendships or other relationships. If not, you could be manipulated without realizing it.
   

If You Are Control-Oriented…

Have you ever tried to set the course or tone of a friendship or other relationship with control tactics? Do you always "have to" have your way?  If you have pressed for changes in a friendship or other relationship with someone….

• Do you believe that the changes were fully accepted by the
  other party?
   

• How do you know that these changes are real and will last?
   

• Did you strengthen or weaken your friendship or other relationship?
   

• In the process of doing or saying things to get your way, is it possible that you destroyed what you were trying to create?
   

• Finally, was it worth it to get your way?

Remember: A person can never fully "remake" or change another person – at least not without bad consequences for both.

If you have found it difficult to initiate and maintain a harmonious friendship or other relationship with someone because you have a tendency to want things your way most of the time, how would you like to find a way to change this without stifling or destroying your own personality, sense of significance and sense of identity?

In "Controllers & Rollers: Do You Control Or Roll?," you can learn why you think and act the way that you do as a controller. You can also learn how to make changes that will be beneficial to you and the one or ones with whom you have a friendship(s) or other relationship (or hope to have one).
 

If You Are Roller-Oriented…

• If you seem to give in all or most of the time, and if you have gone along with changes demanded by someone else with whom you have a friendship or other relationship….
   

• Are you truly happier now?
   

• Have you fully accepted the changes?
   

• Are you willing to continue to go along with the changes?
   

• Do you believe that these changes strengthened or weakened your friendship or other personal relationship?
   

• Are you starting to resent yourself (for giving in) and the one who sought changes in the friendship or other relationship?
   

• Do you have the courage, strength and assertiveness to change things that you don’t like?
   

• If you do nothing, are you going to give someone the impression that that person will usually prevail in most situations?

If you have found yourself manipulated and realized it too late, or if you have been put down, walked on, run over, beaten up mentally and emotionally through verbal abuse or more, "Controllers & Rollers: Do You Control Or Roll? can help you learn why and how this happens and how you can deal with it – including avoiding it and the effects of it.

You can learn how to be more assertive and to speak up when you are right, instead of remaining silent. Compromising truth and your values will increase your stress level and make you less able to live with yourself, more depressed and resentful of the one whom you allowed to prevail over you.

If you keep giving in just to maintain a relationship, you no longer have a good friendship or other relationship. Instead, you have become a slave to someone whom you have allowed to become your master
 

For Those Who Are Dating (Have You Encountered Any Of The Following?)

If your date says, "I love you" (and especially after spending time with you only once or a few times), do those words really mean what they seem to mean or were they spoken just to begin manipulating you?

Are you so desperate for love and companionship that you responded with the same words when you really didn’t mean them (perhaps a little deception on your part)?

If your date says, "I love you," but does not treat you respectfully in any way and demands things of you that are wrong, IT IS NOT LOVE – IT’S MANIPULATION AND CONTROL – PERIOD. Most likely, it is some combination of lust and selfishness.

If your date attempts to put you on a guilt trip (e. g., "You’re not prejudiced, are you?" or, "If you really loved me, you would….") to get you to do something that is wrong and that you should not do, IT IS NOT LOVE – IT’S MANIPULATION AND CONTROL – PERIOD. Again, it is just some combination of lust and selfishness.

If you encounter any of the above (and it’s usually from guys), drop the guy like a hot potato and let him know that you are not his plaything or trophy person. Don’t let yourself become the object of gossip that guys will brag about to their buddies and others. Life will only become more miserable for you.

Although controlling is often associated with boys or other males in general, girls or other females are just as capable of controlling others with various control-oriented tactics, including manipulating people by putting them on guilt trips.

Mistakes or wrong actions otherwise cannot be undone, redone, rationalized away, rationalized into being "right," or repackaged in any way to make them "right" or to make them disappear. They can have lifetime negative consequences. Learn how to identify and deal with these things in "Controllers & Rollers: Do You Control Or Roll?" (Forgiveness can be obtained for wrongs, but forgiveness does not remove consequences.)
 

Look For The Right Things

Do you really know what to look for to see if you and your date are compatible instead of "combatable?" Do you want to avoid situations such as the above?

If you don’t know what to look for or how to identify it, avoid it (if
necessary) or deal with it, your relationship with someone may never get off the ground. And, sometimes it is better that it does not.

Alternatively, your relationship may become a "tolerationship" and eventually a master-slave relationship. This will not leave anyone truly happy – and especially if you are the roller in the relationship – always giving in and going along just to get along to maintain a companionship that has become an unbalanced relationship.

DO NOT get too serious until you know who you are dealing with. You are looking for a lifetime of love, not a short spate of hate. Before it is too late, read "Controllers & Rollers: Do You Control Or Roll?" to learn about the high costs (mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically, spiritually and financially) of extremes in controlling and rolling. After "I do," it is too late for "Wish I knew." There are consequences for both controllers and rollers – whether acknowledged or not.
 

How To Start To Improve Friendships Or Other Relationships

A good place to start is to determine where you are coming from and your own orientation. Go to www.thincbiz.com; click on "Publishing;" and go to the following pages in this order:

1. Read the list of questions that pertain to the book.
    

2. Make a copy of the self-assessment exercise to determine whether you are a controller or a roller.
    

3. Complete the exercise and score yourself with the next set of pages, which constitute the scoring key.
    

4. Read the book.
    

5. Re-assess yourself.
    

6. List those areas where you need to improve yourself to become less controlling or less rolling. Review the self-help chapters near the end of the book for tips on how to do this.
    

7. Encourage the person with whom you have a relationship to go through the above steps.

After all of the foregoing, if you are not beginning to improve your relationship with someone, consider this possibility: maybe it is better to discontinue the friendship or other relationship and to spend some time becoming who you should be first and then possibly develop a friendship or other relationship with someone else. Why settle for "lousy," "okay," or "good" when you can move to "better" and, hopefully, "best" for you?

Sadly and unfortunately, many people spend far more time trying to find the "right" person than on ensuring that they are working to become the "right" person, which will help to attract the "right" person.

If you have questions or comments with regard to any of the foregoing, you may send them to paul@thincbiz.com.

BEST WISHES FOR GREAT RELATIONSHIPS!

Copyright Paul E. Hadinger, M.P.A.

Book: Controllers & Rollers: Do You Control Or Roll?
by Paul E. Hadinger, $14.95 paperback, 211 pages
ISBN 0-9655026-2-7, Publication Date: March, 2006